Navigating the opposites

My heart is both full and tired! 

As my alarm forcefully wake me up at 7 am, I remind myself of how it could have been worse during normal school days when I used the wake up at 6! How the not so morning person in me is digging this part of sleeping in a little extra during virtual learning.

I walk half asleep to the kitchen preparing a quick breakfast for my youngest and secretly celebrating that preschools are still open in person and that I have a chance to be productive today. The little voice of guilt kicks in where she sees her older siblings settle in their working stations at home and she is leaving to “school”, because despite having no doubt that she loves school and she is bored out of their head at home, but would I be a normal mother if I don’t doubt my actions and guilt myself through the way?

The morning shower then wakes me up as I get ready heading to my office, AKA the guest room which I turned into a fully operating working space, because the whole world is still working from home and only then when everyone is humming quietly in their stations, I start navigating the daily opposites.

Motherhood and working from home always worked for me, it is a decision that I grew in but never grew out of! Got bored of but found ways around it! Never did I feel like I am missing the corporate world, yet the extra toll of work and education on my end avoiding being dated is endless! The lunch lady role which kicks in daily at 11:30 is daunting, I am not used to cooking all these meals with hungry teenagers at home! Yet, it is a refreshing reminder of our kids’ health and our ability to provide. Of the fact that we are all healthy and home and not separated by hospital beds and stays again. 

And after a long day of ZOOM meetings, short webinars and courses to keep me up to date, small business growth plans, emailing teachers, text messages reminding the older kids and checking in on the youngest through the preschool app, planning the weekly meals and ending the evening with a board game or movie night because the world is still not ready for humans yet…I crash on the couch with my heart both full and tired!

Because it is ok.

It is ok to be both… grateful and exhausted, blessed and missing out, healthy and drained, happy and bored… It is ok. 

I peak at the finally clean kitchen, double take on tomorrows to do list, finish my nightly prayers and enjoy the noises fading in my head as I sleep on the couch binging my favorite show, as God help me I will not sleep after they sleep because that’s the only time I have for myself. And that’s ok! 

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